Every once in a while, when you are about to (or in the midst of) doing something, ask yourself why you are about to (or in the midst of) doing it. If the answer contains “always have”, “everybody else” or “celebrity”, stop doing that thing.

I think if God shaved off his long white beard it would make him look a few thousand years younger.

Even though I grew up as an only child, I’m not spoiled. You can even ask my masseuse.

When I look at my belly button, I’m reminded of all the good times I’ve shared with my mom.

In a recent poll, 21% of children reported that they would eat ice cream for every meal if they were elected president. Unfortunately, that may be the soundest executive branch decision of this decade. At least it kind of makes sense.

Be proud of your wrinkles, you earned them.

I’m not so surprised that religious right-wingers are on a crusade to teach creationism in the classroom. I AM curious as to when they will demand that heaven be printed on maps. From what I understand, it is hovering somewhere over the central part of the continental US.

I can’t believe the election results. I wish global warming would hurry up and improve Canada’s climate.

My impression of one ant giving another ant directions in an ant farm: “Follow this tunnel straight ahead, then make your second down. When that tunnel comes to an end, take an up.”

Shouldn’t flags outside of funeral parlors always be at half mast?