I suspect that other land mammals tried to evolve into ocean dwellers like the dolphins and whales did. They just couldn’t get past the initial pruniness.

A realistic painter is the artistic equivalent of a cover band.

This has been plaguing me. From K-mart to Calvin Klein, any clothing store that sells men’s apparel offers two styles of T-shirts, the crew neck and the pocket T. The shirts are exactly the same except for the presence of the small chest pocket but the pocket T is ALWAYS a couple of bucks cheaper than the crew neck!

All things being equal, the pocket T must cost more to manufacture. There’s a bit of extra material and they have to pass them through the giant pocket-sewing-on machine. Don’t give me any crap about supply and demand either. Sure, I know that the crew neck is way more popular but why don’t they just make less pocket Ts if nobody likes them? This phenomenon has existed since the 70’s, they’ve surely had enough time to adjust production.

Here’s a way to test the character of a fellow human being:

Tell a joke to a group of comrades in the person’s presence. Make sure that the human being in question already knows the punchline. If the person blurts out the punchline and steals your thunder, he or she is a selfish jerk. If the person says, “I know this one” but allows you to continue, he or she is average. If the person says nothing, he or she is a gem. Finally, if the person says nothing until you deliver the punchline, at which time they laugh as if they never heard it, you are in the presence of a Saint.

This test’s margin of error greatly increases if the person has Alzheimer’s disease.

I miss colored toilet paper. Sometimes, you don’t appreciate what you’ve got until it’s gone.

I have an idea that will revolutionize high school track and field. Instead of busing an entire team of student athletes to the other team’s school to compete, why not send a referee to each school. The teams then run their events on their own track. Then the judges will call each other, compare the times and decide who wins.

I know what you’re thinking, “that’s not very interesting for the spectators.” I thought of that too. In an effort to keep the crowd entertained, there will be a guy who makes balloon animals mingling through the stands.

I recently found Jesus. To be exact, I found a plastic Jesus lying in the dirt outside of a diner named “Lou’s” in Narberth, Pennsylvania. I’d like to return him to his rightful owner, drop me a line if your dashboard is missing its King of Kings.

After spotting me at a local gym, one of my students asked, “Mr. Marrone, how strong are you?”. I told her, “I’m a lot stronger than I look but a lot weaker than I act.”

Buying furniture from IKEA is equivalent to ordering a meal at a restaurant and having the waiter dump the ingredients on your table along with a three page recipe.

Show me an animated Disney movie released in the last 10 years and I’ll show you a plot line revolving around an unlikely romance.

I hope the Mermaid and the Prince can overcome their differences and live happily ever after, I hope the beautiful young girl and the Beast can overcome their differences and live happily ever after, I hope the street urchin and the Princess can overcome their differences and live happily ever after BLAH BLAH BLAH.