If you ever lose or ruin something at a store that has a sign reading, “Not Responsible for Lost or Damaged Articles” try the following:

Go home, take a marker and write, “Not Responsible for Things that I Damage in a Store” on a T-shirt. Put it on, go back to the store and break everything you can get your hands on. It won’t get your stuff back but it will make you feel better.

Don’t be friends with people who don’t use their turn signal, they are selfish and lazy.

Throughout history, almost EVERYTHING has come in and out of style except for reeking of urine. No matter the time, no matter the place, no matter the culture, reeking of urine is consistently a fashion no no.

I think it’s absolutely adorable when youngsters write letters to Santa Claus during the Christmas season. They thoughtfully comprise a wish list of all of the wonderful things that they want and try to convince St. Nick that they deserve the items due to their good behavior.

Of course, you and I know that Santa Claus is a fictional character and that the letters addressed to him are doomed to a short life in postal limbo where they are ultimately discarded. But that doesn’t stop thousands of kids from writing to him every year … it’s truly precious how innocent and naive children can be.

Now excuse me, I have to go pray.

Aren’t we all supposed to have robots by now?

I wish more people would try to make something other than money and babies.

Don’t be fooled, muffins are doughnuts in disguise.

I don’t want to tell anyone how to live their life but it’s never a good idea to blow in a dog’s face.

No shoes, no shirt, no service? It would appear that shirtlessness and shoelessness are the last two acceptable prejudices in America today. I say it’s high time we stop discriminating against our shoeless and shirtless brothers and sisters, remember we are all barefoot and topless on the inside.

Today I was flipping through the channels and I came across the Spanish station. There was a puppet rambling on and I couldn’t help but feel a little frustrated. I struggled with Spanish all through high school, but this puppet could speak fluently.