I recently noticed that there is a church located within my local mall. I can’t decide if Christianity has sunken to a new low or shopping has.

Hoping to save money on expensive visits to the veterinarian? Force your dog or cat to convert to Christian Science.

Judging by their portrayal in fairy tales, cartoons and children’s books, wolves have a HORRIBLE public relations agent (if any).

20% of me feels like staying in and relaxing tonight, 70% of me feels like going to the gym and 35% of me knows I should spend some time brushing up on percentages.

If video game violence promotes violent behavior in adolescent boys, does miss pac-man promote binge eating among preteen girls?

My girlfriend sometimes asks me why I don’t do the cute little things that I did when we first started dated anymore. I tell her for the same reason I don’t continue to give my resume to my boss.

Coulrophobia is the clinical name for the fear of clowns. Apparently, hundreds of thousands of people suffer from this affliction. On the other hand, there is no name given to the fear of hydraulic presses nor are there any documented cases of such a disease. A hydraulic press could literally crush a human being into a one foot cube, clowns entertain by juggling. Go figure.

“Everybody loves a good anagram,” or so the old saying goes. The rearranged letters of “Todd Marrone” can also spell “Mr. Deodorant”, “Donate Mr. Rod”, “Art or Odd Men” and “Do Modern Art”. Strange coincidence or was I predestined to become a smelly, promiscuous, abstract artist? You be the judge.

When I see Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club Band for sale at a used CD store, I automatically assume that the original owner died.

The definition of foreshadowing: “… and for dessert, coconut cream pies.”