I live in a country where the politicians are laughable and the comedians are poignant. Jeff Foxworthy, however, is neither.

I have a very vivid childhood memory of chewing on a squishy, pink, plastic, Barbie shoe. I never owned a Barbie doll, so consider this an open letter of apology to anyone who did.

The fact that psychics, tarot card readers and astrologists are able to stay in business is proof that some people can not be trusted with their own finances.

It seems to me that there is a disproportionate number of famous albinos.

I enjoy the abundance of mirrors at the health club. The potential for covert staring is almost limitless.

People who aren’t registered organ donors should not be allowed to become organ recipients. They are organ hogs.

The movie theater near my house offers three sizes of popcorn: medium, large and jumbo. I informed the manager that it is ridiculous to call the smallest size “medium” because the word literally means middle. To date, the situation has not been corrected.

There are three types of people in this world: sheep, shepherds and wolves.

Welcome to the Age of Zero Consequence. Don’t believe me? OJ Simpson most likely played golf this morning, George Bush was REelected to our government’s top post and Ashley Simpson is STILL a superstar.

Once you become an adult, the instances of standing back to back with someone to compare heights really taper off. I think that’s what I miss most.