The more people you don’t like, the more likely you are to run into people that you don’t like.

Unless there’s a medicinal benefit that I’m not aware of, women should not wear necklaces on the outside of their turtlenecks. I’m just saying.

On a recent trip to the bookstore, I spotted a publication titled, “Chicken Soup for the Nascar Fan’s Soul”. In the big Venn diagram of life, this book targets the overlap between Nascar racing enthusiasts and motivational anecdote fans. A strange demographic, to say the least.

Does this site make me look fat?

Almost everyone has a crazy Aunt.

I’ve recently been leaving my artwork all around town for people to find and take. Someone once asked me how I expect to sell my work when people know that they can find it hanging around outside for free. I answered, “The same way a florist expects to sell flowers.”

Here’s my contribution to the wonderful world of your mamma jokes: “Your mamma is so lazy, she’s never even had a productive cough.”

Use it well.

I think people overuse the word “hate”. The next time somebody says that they hate someone or something, tell them that you hate Adolf Hitler. The conversation will go something like this:

“I hate bathroom hand dryers, they never work.”

“Oh really? I hate Adolf Hitler for slaying millions of innocent people.”

It really makes them feel silly for hating their thing.

Moments ago, I saw a news broadcast about a car accident that occurred early this morning. Apparently, a woman lost control of her car and plowed in to a large, plastic nativity scene nestled on someone’s front lawn. The broadcast included live footage of people attempting to reassemble the scene, as well as interviews with devastated passerbys.

While there was no mention of the condition of the driver and/or passengers of the car, the broadcaster reported, “Luckily, the family had not yet placed the baby Jesus into the manger.”

It truly is a Christmas miracle.

If the word “faux” precedes something, it’s ugly. Don’t argue with me.