My impression of one ant giving another ant directions in an ant farm: “Follow this tunnel straight ahead, then make your second down. When that tunnel comes to an end, take an up.”

Shouldn’t flags outside of funeral parlors always be at half mast?

Here’s a conspiracy theory for you: Stevie Wonder, Elton John and Eric Clapton died in a bizarre submarine accident in 1981. Their respective record labels, concerned about losing such lucrative recording stars, built robotic replacements. The androids were (and are) identical to their organic counterparts in every way except one. Their music is WAY crappier.

Somebody’s mamma once said, “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Consequently, I’m not going to post any remarks about our current commander and chief, George W. Bush.

I will, however, share the following list of people that I’d rather have occupying the oval office: Al Gore, John Kerry, Jim Carey, Dorothy “Tootie” Ramsey, the recently deceased Ronald Reagan, Illusionist David Blane, Disneyland’s robotic Abraham Lincoln, Margot Kidder, Crackle (of Snap, Crackle & Pop), the guy who ate a bunch of worms to get into the Guinness Book of World Records and John Oates.

Feel free to tell me what you do for a living. If there isn’t an obvious uniform associated with the position, however, I’ll most likely have to pretend that I understand your job.

Astronaut, cowboy, firefighter, police officer? I follow you. Regulatory affairs associate? You lost me.

I have a ventriloquist dummy with lock jaw. He doesn’t say much but he can hum like an angel.

I suppose old cat burglars sit around and reminisce about the “good old days” when people didn’t lock their doors.

Pencils are for cowards.

Dear Womankind,

I would just like to say that, contrary to media propaganda, you don’t have to be skinny to be sexy. In fact, a bird with a few healthy curves looks far more fertile. Isn’t that the reason we subconsciously pair ourselves up in the first place?

Stop starving yourselves. You are perpetuating an unrealistic, unhealthy, inaccurate image of physical perfection AND putting farmers out of work.

Some men may disagree but to them I pose this question, “Which do you find more attractive, an adult female or an adolescent boy?” I chose the former.

Ghosts seldom haunt cars. Fishy.